The Nudist Colony
by FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut
Summary: A pranking war with a difference, Emmett in a g-string, Jasper's blue balls and the great volleyball incident? What else can you expect when the Cullen’s and Denali’s go to a nudist colony for one VERY interesting 1960’s summer vacation!
1. You WHAT?

**Well my dears, This is the story that I promised! I hope you like it!**

**Edward POV**

Yet another boring day in Forks, another tedious twenty-four hours of my existence to be lived out.

I checked to see what human charade my family was plating out today. Alice was sketching some new clothes for her autumn wardrobe and Jasper was reading a book. God only knows what Emmett and Rosalie were doing upstairs, and I'm pretty sure that the big man in the clouds would be shocked if he knew what they were up to. My Beautiful Bella was sitting on our couch, absentmindedly flicking through channels at a very human pace, looking for something interesting to watch.

I looked up as I heard Rosalie speed down the stairs and come to an abrupt halt on the couch next to Bella, A smirk on her face, one that I unfortunately knew all too well. But where was-

Emmett tumbled down the stairs, landing heavily on his bottom and making a dent in the mahogany wood floors, Esme would not be happy. However the thing that shocked us most was not this feat of insanity, as vampires never tripped, but the fact that he was wearing nothing but one of Rosalie's skimpy red g-strings. Shock read on all our faces, the horror of it not quite sinking in. Jasper's mouth hung wide and slack, Esme's eyes were flickering from her precious floor to Emmett's face in quick succession and Bella looked as if she were about to pass out. However, that was not the worst reaction; Rosalie looked oddly turned on, as if the sight of Emmett in a g-string wasn't the most horrific sight in the world.

Alice broke the silence first, shrieking so loudly that even the people in Seattle would be able to hear.

'EMMETT! How, what, why- PUT SOME PANTS ON!' She squealed, making us all wince with the sheer volume. 'If I wanted to see you naked, I would ask Tanya to book us another holiday at the nudist colony!' A crease formed between Bella's eyes at this proclamation, she opened her mouth as if to speak, but was beaten to the punch line by Emmett.

'Gross,' He chuckled 'like I'd ever do that again, although I'm sure Tanya would be happy, and we could continue the pranking war!'

'God that was funny,' Jasper added 'especially when we played with Edward! You know like that time when'-. The shock was plain on Bella's face; she interrupted Jasper, speaking before he could finish his highly embarrassing sentence. It wasn't like I would forget what happened during that summer anytime soon, it had been one of the worst of my life. Bella Spoke.

'Hold on, what? You were in a NUDIST colony? With TANYA? And thousands of other women staring at Edwards's naked body?'

I felt a thrill run through my body after hearing her say those three words, but suppressed my feelings while Emmett, who was still sitting on the floor, let out a chortling laugh. 'You said Edwards's naked body!'

Bella turned bright pink after realising what she had said, but I interrupted before Emmett could make her feel worse, or disclose any other embarrassing information that would make Bella blush

'Bella, love, don't worry. It was long time ago; no one meant anything by it!' But Rosalie contradicted me, as eager as always to put her foot in it and prove me wrong.

'To hell they didn't! That was one of the best summers of my life!' She grinned and said. Emmett agreed immediately, his thoughts turning down a less than dignified path.

'Too right baby!' he cheered heartily, giving Rosalie what he thought to be a smouldering look. It made me feel slightly ill. Thankfully Alice put her foot down before things could go any further.

'Eww… don't even think about it you two, especially with you wearing that Emmett! But Bella, do you want to hear the story?' I retracted my previous thoughts, Alice wasn't helping; in fact she was doing the opposite. I opened my mouth to retaliate, but Bella beat me to the matter.

'Will you tell me EVERYTHING Edward did?' She queried. Bella wanted to know about me being nude? Unacceptable. There were things that happened during that summer that were less than appropriate.

'Of course! Anything to humiliate my dear brother!' Alice chirped eagerly, ready to show me up. But I would not be swayed, Bella couldn't know.

'Alice Cullen don't you dare! That was a long time ago; it was a horrible, embarrassing, annoying summer full of vulgar, perverted people and stupid experiences!' But Alice wasn't going to budge either. She knew my weakness, and she exploited it in her thoughts with only four small words, it's what Bella wants. She began her story.

'It was the swinging sixties, a time of love, passion and freedom! But for some too much freedom… It was just an ordinary June day in a small town inland in South East Asia. We had decided to move on from there after a small incident with Emmet and Jasper involving a noodle bar and 536 lemons.'

Jasper cut in, 'Emmett started it.' Alice merely chuckled and continued with her story.

'The problem was we had no where to go. We were out of options and hadn't had time to choose our next home. That night as we were packing up, mulling over our options, we had a visit from the Denali clan, they were in the neighbourhood and had dropped in to say hello.

They sympathised with our current predicament, and offered us a place to stay with them while we sorted out our accommodations for the next decade or so. Of course, a group of thirteen vampires wasn't the most unnoticeable thing in normal society, so we declined. But they persisted, Tanya especially wanted us to stay, and so she proposed an idea that would make us less noticeable- A brief holiday for all of us. She persuaded Carlisle that it would be a good idea, and so we begin our story.' Her eyes turned foggy, and she was back on that crazy day when we first started in the colony. She began, her musical voice weaving a picture for us all to see.

**Alice POV (In the 1960's)**

I looked up in shock at the sign in front of me. Tanya had insisted on keeping the final location of our holiday secret, she had even gone as far as to block her thoughts and not to totally decide where we were going, so that our destination would still be a surprise for Edward and I. Up until now, I had not understood her choice, why bother delaying the inevitable? But now I got the bigger picture. None of us would have ever agreed to this. Carlisle and Esme were right to not have come.

**The Lemon Grove **

**Nudist Colony**

A thousand visions ran through my mind, of the tortures we could, and most likely would, inflict on each other while we were here. And right there and then, I knew that this would be a summer that we would never forget…

**Review and tell me what you think, the more you review the faster I update! The story should be around four chapters, it was too long as a one shot. The story will be set out with each charecter's point of view highlighting a different part of the story. Its hard to explain, but when you read it It'll make sense! ~FWWBH**


	2. Blue Ball's and Hotstuff

**Wow, so many reviews! Thank you, and here's Emmett and Jasper- LET THE PRANKING WAR BEGIN!**

**Emmett's POV (In the 1960's)**

The initial shock had been great, I'll admit, but after the idea gradually formed and sunk in- I think we got used to the prospect of our summer.

I looked around our group, my eyes lingering on Rosalie before sliding to Edward. It seemed as if he was the only one who wasn't happy. This summer, Tanya had decided that her new conquest was to be Edward. But I knew my brother well, and he just wasn't that interested- he'd always preferred brunettes. He had been trying non-stop for the past few weeks to "gentlemanly" try to put off Tanya's advances. Unfortunately, she had not been getting the right idea and just seemed all the more determined to get him to love her- even resorting to her succubus ways to lure him to her.

'No clothes past this point Eddie!' Tanya trilled, her high soprano voice cutting through the thick silence that had descended upon our group. I think that she was trying to be sexy and seductive, or maybe she just really needed to go to the toilet. **(A/N That line is totally ©!)** Either way, Edwards only response gave the phrase "If looks could kill" a whole new meaning.

Clearly, he would not be greatly enjoying this summer. But of course, I didn't blame the guy. I had known the feeling of unwanted attention, many, MANY times and it was uncomfortable to say the least. Just the look in their eyes that showed you a glimmer of the not so appropriate things they were thinking. Poor Edward had to live through all of this, every torturous thought Tanya had. Of course, I had Rosalie to ward off the unsuspecting girls. Mmm… Rosalie. We would have fun here. All the inappropriate thoughts that others had meant nothing compared to her. Hmmm… thoughts of… thoughts… Oh.

'Sorry Edward.' I thought to my brother, who, by the look he was giving me, had heard all of my thoughts in the previous three seconds- from around the time I started on looks that could kill- Ironic really, considering the glare he was giving me now.

But of course, while privacy was an issue, there were advantages to Edwards's gift.

Strategic advantages for our coven…

And for pranking wars. I turned a questioning eye on him, silently asking for his help. But he already had his answer. He shook his head in a slight no gesture, he would not be helping me out.

This could be a problem. Jasper would have the upper hand if he got a head start and I'd have to pull out some of my best material to get him back. But then again, who was to say he would try anything? And being in a nudist colony, even my average material could be funny.

Then full realisation set in. ANYTHING could be funny. This colony was my kind of place. This would be the most legendary summer of my life. It just needed it to start- or at least I needed to make it start.

And that was when I dropped my pants and stepped into the colony bounds. And I watched as my agitated and yet dejected coven followed my lead.

The walk through the colony was interesting to say the least, and there were several times when I felt like breaking a few necks that were trying to get a better look at Rose. Edward was lucky in this respect; he'd never have to worry about getting his hands dirty. And yes, I meant that in more ways than one.

We walked in silence, each of us watching another. Kate and Irina were, for lack of a better word, subtly checking us out, their eyes sweeping from one guy to another and Rosalie was unsurprisingly giving them death glares. Tanya however had given up the use of the word subtle in any context, and she was quite literally drooling over Edward. He was trying hard to look away from her, but with the visuals her thoughts giving, I was sure it wouldn't be as easy as turning in the opposite direction.

Surprisingly, and somewhat creepily, Edwards eyes remained fixed on Jaspers- although I was sure a silent conversation was going on between them. I sincerely hoped this conversation was about something other than our current state of nudity. I mean, disturbing much.

Alice's eyes were intent on the future, probably seeing all the mayhem we would create, but occasionally slipped to Jasper, a grin crossing her face at the sight of him.

Smirking at my little sister, whilst trying to find what was to my memory the world's greatest pervert joke, was the first time it happened.

'Hey You, HOTSTUFF!' I heard someone call. I turned around, instantly assuming it was me that had been called. Not because I was egotistical or anything, but I'd been called this many times before. Rosalie spun with me, searching for the source to see if it was a potential threat, but it wasn't as if anyone could compete with the beauty she holds for me in a thousand years. What we saw next was something no one could have predicted.

A naked man was waggling his finger at me.

Alarmed, I pointed to Rosalie, checking if it was her he wanted- but he shook his head in the negative. I then turned the finger that was pointing at Rosalie and moved it to rest uncertainly on myself, raising an eyebrow in the process. He nodded, letting out a little moan before passing out cold onto the floor.

We we're all shocked into silence, a pin could have dropped within a hundred miles of where we stood and the whole colony would have heard it. Trust us to pull that kind of reaction in the first five minutes we were there. Hysterical giggles begin to erupt from Alice's lips, but before anyone could really start laughing, it happened again.

Another man steps forward, but this time he turned to Edward.

'Sexy momma, come dance with me'! He shouted to Edward, before an expression of total shock crossed his face. Edwards's mouth hung open, as if he's wasn't sure what to do. The man did though. He began wiggling his hips suggestively and started to step forward. Just before he too passed out, I realised what had been going on.

'You'll pay for this Jasper' I hissed, my anger scaring the humans. They had no idea that Jasper had caused the men to do what they had done, and they had no reason to believe that he could have.

Edward's eyes were furious and if we hadn't been surrounded by people I swear he would have torn Jasper to pieces, the look in his eyes said it all. The pranking war was on. We were good to go. Operation Get Jasper was in action.

**Jasper POV.**

I wondered what I could get away with. A bit of fun perhaps, something to do to ease the tension that had settled on the group. Anything that would make this holiday interesting would be fine with me. Not that this summer wouldn't be amazing with Alice in so little clothing, but it was always good to spice things up. Edward and Emmett were going down- but all plans had to be forgotten before they could be put into action. Edward could not know about anything was thinking.

I hummed to myself so Edwards couldn't hear my thoughts while I planed strategy in the back of my mind.

_I'm a little tea pot Short and stout -_

My best weapon would be humiliation; both Edward and Emmett would hate that. I felt Edwards's gaze on my neck and his silent question of "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SINGING I'M A LITTLE TEA POT?" floated unanswered in the air.

_Here is my handle and here is my spout!!_

With their lack of clothing it was easy to pull something off. There were a number of funny tricks that I could pull off with little clothing.

But the best prank that came to mind involved members of the public. It was always more humiliating and they couldn't rip me to pieces with an audience.

_When I get all steamed up-_

I had the plan. Now to find a suitable candidate. I chose the fattest, ugliest, grey and winkled man that I could find. Then it was only a matter if sending out the right mix of emotions. Courage came first and foremost, as he would do nothing without it. After that, I searched for lust. And that wasn't too hard to find, I just had to look at Alice for this particular emotion to come out in bucket loads. My attention focused on him, I let the emotions I had picked flow through. The man turned to Emmett and shouted out.

'Hey you, HOTSTUFF!' This was priceless, really. Emmett turned, suspecting that he had been called but not realising that it was a naked man who had voiced the cry until it was too late. Slightly alarmed he pointed to Rosalie and then himself. I send out a quick wave of satisfaction, before I hit him with a wave of unconsciousness and he hits the ground.

_Then I shout-_

Everyone was shocked into silence, and I turned away looking for my next victim, Edward couldn't get away unscathed…

I repeated the process on a choice for Edward, a scaly snake of a man, tall, bald and so bony that Emmet could probably snap him in half just by looking at him.

'Sexy momma, come dance with me!!!' His shout echoed along the entire colony. I managed to send out a wave of dance fever, followed by instantaneous blackout before Emmett finally realiseed what really happened.

Emmett's threatening tone is chilling to the people surrounding us, and they're terrified for a few seconds. But I'm fine, like Emmett could really do anything to hurt me!

'You'll pay for this Jasper'

_Tip me over POUR ME OUT!_

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The remaining walk through the colony was uneventful, unless you call death glares from Edward and Emmett, and confusion from the general public an important event.

After unpacking our bags into our cabins I wisely hid out in the woods, running a few laps around the surrounding mountains to give my brothers time to cool off. But when I got back, I realised that my prank was the least of their worries at that moment. Edward was consumed by disgust, and I could hear Tanya somewhere in his room talking to him softly.

But worse than that, the amount of lust coming from Emmett and Rosalie's tent was literally sickening. My head was going to explode if I didn't do something to get my mind off it soon. I racked my brain quickly, thinking of anything that could help ease the tension.

A shower. Perfect.

I sprinted for the shower, putting the hot water on as high as it would go and stepped in, the scorching liquid warming my long cold body. Vampires didn't need to wash often, but it was always a fun thing to do. It was like awakening a part of your human self that you had long forgotten.

I grabbed a bottle of body wash and squeezed some on my hand, shutting my eyes; I let the hot water stream around me as I washed from the waist up.

I had only been going for a few seconds when I realised something was terribly wrong. The shampoo smelt wrong, less like the label on the bottle and more like…

Dye. Industrial strength blue furniture dye.

Damn, I had been pranked in the worst possible way, and I had fallen right into the trap. Emmett and Edward had warned me that they would get me back for the stunt I pulled on them, and here it was. I was sure that even Alice and Rosalie had been in on it, who else could have made it into my room? Any of the others would have left their scent behind.

So it was goodbye Mini Jasper, Hello Blue Balls. I shrieked in anger, not caring who heard me.

So they want to play, do they? Then let's begin, I thought to myself.

**HA! Poor Jasper. That was really cruel. But he will have his revenge… Don't forget to review!**

**Thanks to a couple of my friends for their help with ideas for this chapter, especially to Dom- whose line about Tanya (The one with "or she may have just needed to go to the toilet, Etc.") was inspired! ~FWWBH**


	3. Vermin and Volleyball

**Ok, I was mildly happy by the number of reviews I recieved last chapter, but I know you guy's can do better! I dont usually nag for reviews, but PLEASE? I really want to know what you think :)**

**EdPOV (Present time) **

I winced as she winced, with every gasp Bella took at our strange story I waited, Waited for the moment that she would scream at me, or cry or begin to laugh hysterically. But all she did was make a few general comments, laughing in parts and listening intently the whole time. It was crazy to think that I was letting my family tell the love of my life about the time I spent in a nudist colony fighting in a pranking war, playing volleyball and trying to escape a seductress vampire. But I was getting ahead of myself; the great volleyball incident hadn't been spoken of yet… I shook my head and settled back, and listened as the story I knew all too well continued.

**Tanya POV (In the 1960's)**

Edward. Edward Cullen. Edward freaking Cullen.

Why hadn't I seen it before? It wasn't like we hadn't met previously.

He was hot. Like, on fire, melting solid metal, burning, smouldering hot! And I wanted him, BADLY. So when the Lemon Shop Incident happened, I pounced, grabbed my chance and hung on for dear life, persuading the Cullens to come on a vacation with us. Of course, I didn't tell them that it would be in a nudist colony, as they would have never agreed, but I managed to get them to the colony under impossible circumstances.

And may I just say the view from here was spectacular, if you catch my drift.

So how was it that even after doing the impossible, that Edward still snubbed me?

Shameless Flirting? Brushed aside.

Accidental Brushing Past? Shrugged off.

Innuendos and subtle comments? Gentlemanly refuted!

It was almost as if I wasn't interesting, funny, smart, wonderful and beautiful. But of course, I only had to look in the mirror to see that I was in fact all that and more! He just didn't see it the way that I did. But by the end of this summer, he would, I would MAKE him! And that would start now.

Lying on his bed, naked? That hadn't been snubbed yet!

I left my room and walked slowly to the next cabin across, which was Edwards, grinning at my brilliant plan. I craftily laid myself over his bed, twisting my body into an interesting position, and I waited for Edward to come, pondering what his reaction would be.

I wasn't disappointed. About three minutes later, Edward walked into the room.

Hmm…come on Jasper, the shower, the shower… yes go on, you- SHIT!!! Tanya, what- what- are- who- why?!' He said, all in one breath, with barely a millisecond passing.

'Relax silly!' I purred, 'I just wanted to say hi, see how you were doing. It seems awfully lonely in this big old suite, all by yourself!' Aww hell, I thought to myself, if I've gone to all this trouble, I might as well go ahead and put myself out there!

'Unless you want company?' Edwards face changed and he looked… well… there was no way to describe it. Happy? Surprised? **A/N Horrified more like! **Maybe? I couldn't tell, but I'd definitely had SOME effect on him.

Edward shook his head, obviously not ready to commit. Shame really. I opened my mouth to talk him into it, I'm sure that's what he really wanted. Deep down. Like deep, DEEP down. But as I started to speak, an ungodly shriek wailed over the colony. It was that damn emotional sex God **(That's for you Team Jasper!)**, Jasper. Whatever was it now?

Edward seemed to know, he laughed happily and turned to me.

'Look, Tanya. Um… No thanks, I prefer my own room... Although I'm sure you're… interesting company. But Right now, I've got to go. I'm sort of in trouble.' And with that he ran out the door.

Edward Cullen, in trouble? Well, if he needed punishment, I could fix that. What he needed was a good spa- **(CENSORED!)**

**Rosalie POV **

I couldn't wait to see the effect that our little blue dye scheme would have on Jasper, at the very least he'd have blue hands for a week, but Alice had assured us that it would be priceless, better than our wildest dreams. So we were all only a little surprised when we heard the shriek of terror that came from Jaspers room.

He wasn't happy, and he would have his revenge.

Well, at least his revenge on everyone bar me. No one dared to touch me for fear of having Emmett's wrath upon them. Or at the very least for fear of being the subject of his next prank.

I ran at the quickest human speed possible to Alice and Jaspers Tent.

I met up with Edward on the way there, and heard him murmuring something about changing the sheets and vermin in his room. Huh, there must have been rats in his room, which was strange since Emmett and my rooms had been completely clean. Even for Tanya's insanity, at least she knew how to pick a holiday.

We walked as fast as we could while still appearing human toward Jaspers cabin, eager to see what awaited us there. We met the others at the cabin door, trying to persuade Jasper to let them in.

'Come on Jasper, if it's the fact that you have absolutely NOTHING to wear, don't worry, we're all in the same predicament. There's practically zilch in my closet!' Emmett cooed to Jasper, trying to get him out the door to see the damage with his own eyes.

Edward started to sing. _"Jasper's blue, Da ba de da ba da!"_

I added my own fuel to the fire. 'Come on Jasper, we're just dyeing to see you.' I smirked as I heard Jaspers little growl from the corner of his room, but he wasn't budging, we had no choice.

I turned to Emmett.

'Break down the door' I said to him, and watched as with a sharp crack, he split the door in half.

I could see Jasper, curled in a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth in foetal position. But the only blue dye that I could see on him was on his hands. 'Is that all?' I asked him. 'What a waste of a brilliant practical joke!'

But at the same time, Alice contradicted me. 'Oh no, there's more.' She chimed 'Stand up Jasper'

And there, in all its glory was the bluest pair of balls I'd ever seen.

And that's when Jasper lunged at us.

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Jasper was still simmering of course, but with the size of the dent that he had put in the wall of the bunkhouse, he couldn't do anything more to arouse the suspicion of the humans around us.

So that's why, to save ourselves from being ripped to pieces by Jasper, Irina had signed us up the colony's bi-monthly volleyball tournament, which was to be played that afternoon- Boys versus Girls. She had hoped that this would help us vent our anger and start to feel more normal again.

Yeah right, like we were normal!

As we approached the court, we decided on the details. It would be boys versus girls, although Kate would sit out, and the boys would find a volunteer to play for them.

The girls talked strategy.

'Distract them in any way possible' Alice informed us. 'They'll be putty in our hands!'

Unfortunately for Alice, there was absolutely no way we could dress up, as we were in a nudist colony, but she compensated, putting "go team" on our back in zinc, and giving us fancy hats to wear. In the typical Alice fashion, nothing could be left untouched. And may I just say we looked SUBLIME!

The boys served first, Edward spiked the ball over the net, and Tanya dived forward to hit it back. Emmett ran forward, bouncing it to their volunteer before Jasper smoothly bumped it over the net. I ran forward, ready to hit the ball when-

_WHACK _

Completely Gobsmacked, I turned to see a 40 year old man had just whacked my ass.

I saw the others looking as shocked as I was, Emmett especially. Edward grinned.

'One point to us!' He said. And after I gave the man a death glare, the game continued. It wasn't a rare occurrence that men did strange things around me. I was stunning, and men didn't seem to have enough self control to help themselves when they were around me. It was another three sets before it happened again. Alice dived for the ball, pushed it over the net, Emmett went for it and-

_WHACK_

Another one, this time around the age of sixteen, had just smacked my ass. I growled and gave him the blackest look I could muster. He had obviously followed in the footsteps of the old man. Dirty, perverted little freak. This time the others seemed to look a little less shocked, and Alice even let a few giggles escape. Shaking my head, I picked up the ball and continued the game.

It wasn't until the third time it happened that I snapped. This was getting old, fast and I was REALLY pissed off. Turning on the unlucky 30 year old, I screamed at him-

'WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE HITTING MY ASS FOR!'

Terrified the man had no answer, but I had no patience. If he had been stupid enough to hit my butt, and then he would pay the price. He managed to stutter four small words

'Look on your back' he said.

A feeling of terror washed over me, but there was no way that I could have been pranked! There was no time! I would have noticed! And Emmet. He wouldn't have let them. I sprinted for the closest mirror at the slowest speed I could muster, probably still breaking the human land speed record in the process. The sight that met me in the mirror was not one I expected.

Oh

My

Gosh

Oh my gosh

_Oh my gosh_

**OH MY GOSH!**

Alice was dead. So dead.

Because there, plastered on my back, in the zinc that was "supposed" to say "Go team", was instead:

_Whack my ass if you think I'm sexy._

So why had only three guys whacked my ass?

**LAWL! Read and Review… Love Ya's! ~FWWBH**

**P.S Can you anwser this riddle?** _A man stopped his car opposite a hotel and immediatley knew that he was bankrupt. How?_


	4. Bimbo's and Science Geeks

**Riddle Anwser:** The man was playing Monopoly! Congrats to those who gussed right, _Hymnophile_ and _Angel of Apathy_ in particular!

**This story has been put put up for an award on http://the-cullen-clan-awards(dot)synthasite(dot)com/ if you would be kind enough to vote for me... :) I'm up for Best Comedy/Parody and Best One shot! I'm also up for Best Authour. So get a-votin'! The direct link to the website can be found on my profile!**

**Alice POV:**

After the great volleyball incident- as it would be known from now on- things seemed to get back to normal. For the next two days we blended in. We ate, played, talked, pretended to sleep and generally had a good time.

I was wary of course, well aware that I was the only one who hadn't been pranked yet, but what I had done to Rosalie had definitely earned me some respect in the pranking war. I was not to be messed with!

My vision would also forewarn me as to what could happen and nothing of yet seemed to be happening. But what I didn't know was that my "visions" would be my downfall…

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It was a hot and cloudy afternoon, but I was too lazy to go out and after finding a new book to read I settled down on my bed and started to flick through the pages. Apparently To Kill A Mockingbird was good, and I was interested to see what happened.

I settled back on my pillows and began to read.

_"When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elb-"_

It was then my eyes fogged over, and my view of the world changed. I saw Edward, Emmett and Jasper spread out on a blanket, laying in one of the many fields in the colony…

_"Seriously Dude" Jasper said. "Just don't think about it, and no one will have to know, ok?" It was around midday in my vision, and the boy's looked relaxed as anything._

_"Yeah," added Emmett."Cause here they come!"_

_Three girls came around the corner that separated the meadow the boy's were in from the rest of the colony, all were very beautiful. The first had chocolate brown skin, and was of average height, the second was impossibly tall, and had a Mediterranean appearance about her, and the third was shorter than the others- but with her chocolate brown hair was equally as pretty. They stopped as they got nearer to the boys._

_"Hey guys!" They said._

_Hey guys? Where did the boys know these bimbo's from? And why were they there? Emmett Grinned and grabbed at the girl closest to him, and Edward planted a kiss on the Brown haired girl's lips._

_"Hey Marianna!" Said Jasper, scooping up the impossibly tall girl. Her? What the hell? NO! That wasn't happening! THAT WAS MY JASPER!_

_And then the unexplainable happened. Jasper planted a large wet kiss on HER lips. And he seemed to enjoy it very much. Bitch! What had happened to Jasper? What had she done to him?_

My vision came back to the present. Gasping I turned to look at the clock- It was five minutes to midday. I had time to stop this atrocity…

So I ran. I didn't even have time to stop for Rosalie, I was too angry. I would rip him to shreds. Bit by bit…

I sprinted to the meadow that I had seen in my vision, trying as hard as I could to look human. My mind was doing endless calculations- How I could rip all three girls in half while still detaining all three boys?

The meadow was just behind the wall, I was coming around the corner when-

'You honestly think I would do that to you?' Jaspers velvety voice whispered in my ear, his hands snaking around my waist. I turned to see all of my siblings, including a very smug Rosalie, grinning cheekily at me.

I felt my mouth fall open and shock read all over my face. Then it hit me.

PRANK!

Oh Snap.

**Edwards POV**

Alice turned toward us, her mouth open in shock as she took in our amused expressions. And then she realised.

_PRANK!_

_Oh Snap._

That's when we finally lost it, and so did Alice.

'How could you do this to me?!' She screamed. 'You! I nearly freaked out! I envisioned ways to rip you all apart!' But this only made us laugh harder, and harder, until it was lucky that we didn't need to breathe because we wouldn't have been able to if we'd tried.

'That was by far the worst prank any of you have pulled these holidays!' she screeched. But I wasn't about to let her away with that.

'What about us! Emmett and I were COMPLETLEY humiliated!'

'You were humiliated?' growled Rose 'well what about me! Three guys, ONLY THREE!'

But Jasper wasn't having any of that. 'YOU TURNED MY BALLS BLUE! It took three days to scrub off, and even then everyone thought I had some strange disease!'

Emmett chuckled. 'It's all Tanya's fault, she's the one who suggested this holiday in the first place!'

Tanya?

TANYA!

'Guy's,' I said craftily. 'If it's all her fault, then why does she get away with it unscathed?'

'That's Right…' said Emmett, catching on.

'Operation Prank Tanya is ON!' Squealed Alice. 'And I know how we can make this prank hit her close to home. What's the one thing that she wants more than anything in the world?'

And that's when we combined all of our unsavoury skills in order to get back at the person responsible for of our suffering.

**My thanks to Krissy-Da (Aka Heart of Diamonds) for her help and ideas for this prank, READ HER STORIES! SHE IS AN EVIL GENIUS! I'd also like to thank the three girls who appear in Alice's POV and make out with the guys. They should consider this my thank you for helping me edit my story!**

* * *

_**And I WAS going to end it there, but this chapter is a bit short- and the wait between this chapter and the next could be a while... so...**_

**So, I told you that Jane would make an appearance in this story, right? Well, this is Jane recollection of the short time she spent in the colony. I know it's not much but...**

**Jane POV**

Aro had suggested a "vacation" for me to help resolve some of my anger management issues. Yeah, like I had anger management issues. I was FINE goddammit. And what was worse, was the fact that Alec wouldn't be joining me this fine vacation. It was no fun without my twin brother. It meant that I could only get in half the trouble we could together.

However, as soon as I reached the destination that Aro had sent me to or, as he seemed to prefer it, strongly suggested I go to I realised why I wouldn't need Alec with me.

**The Lemon Grove **

**Nudist Colony**

This would be an excellent summer.

And not to mention that as soon as I walked into the gate, I caught the scent of the two sissy vegetarian vampire covens. Oh, I would have such a good time. Or so I thought.

That was before I met HIM. Walking down to the kitchen with torture in my mind, a thousand way of pain provoking activity vanished the moment I saw him. Little Bob Banner **(A/N yes, it's who you think it is!)** Science geek and all-round hottie, at least in my opinion he was. He seemed to bring out the best in me, he seemed to glow with an aura of calm.

With his shirt tucked into his pants, his braces and his giant glasses, he was the man of my dreams- only here in reality. And he would be mine!

I walked over to him, prepared to show him just how great I really was. I walked up and brushed past him, pretending to stop in anger.

'Excuse me, did you just touch my ass?' I asked, my voice tinged with fake rage.

'No!' He said, horrified. And that was when I turned on the charm, smiling at him and winking.

'No? I said. 'Damn!' And he laughed at me as I sat down next to him and we began to talk…

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Over the next few days, Bobby ad I became good friends, which wasn't to say that I didn't want more. Tired of him not knowing, I confronted him about the way I felt.

'Bobby' I said, walking toward him. 'I have something to tell you.' I said my words as gently as possible. 'I… I think… I think I'm in love with you.'

Bob gaped, his mouth hanging open. 'WHAT? Oh sweetie. You don't know. I'm not actually a man yet. I plan on getting a sex change.' He said. I stared in horror. Now it was my turn to be afraid.

'And even if I did like you in that way' he continued 'you're not my type, too young I'd say. You're just a kid.'

Just a kid, JUST A KID! I was thousands of years old, THOUSANDS!

'My type's more like… I don't know. That guy Edward Cullen, Gawd HE'S HOT! I hope we can still be friends…'

I stumbled backward, in shock and denial. I couldn't believe this, NO! Stumbling, I sprinted out the front gate, and ran off into the sunset, eager to put as much space between us as possible. I wasn't crazy! I couldn't be in love with a Girl, or a Boy, or even an Edward Cullen Fan! And so I ran.

Too bad that I got arrested by the cops before I could make it anywhere far away enough for my liking- Turns out that I had forgotten to put clothes on before I left…

**Yeesh, Poor Jane. You gotta feel sorry for the girl… Still, MR BANNER IS A GIRL! BWAH HA HA HA HA! Sorry. ****Thank's and dont forget to review! ~FWWBH**


	5. Love Notes and Laughter

**I decided to update because it's my birthday today!!! Yay! FYI, reviews make nice presents... ;) *wink wink, nudge nudge***

**Tanya POV**

My time in the nudist colony so far had been going _exceptionally_ well. Better than I'd hoped really.

However, over the last few days the Cullens had been overly secretive. I saw them all with their heads together muttering things amongst themselves. And whenever I saw Edward, he'd mutter some excuse, shuffle his feet and walk in the other direction- seemingly embarrassed for no reason.

After giving this extensive thought, I came to only one conclusion. It was my turn…

Yes, it was my turn to find a mate!

Edward had finally realised that he was in love with me- but was too embarrassed to show it. So he had gone to his brothers and sisters to help him out. It would only be a matter of time before he confronted me, hopefully in the form of a romantic candlelit dinner or a moonlight stroll in the colony, and told me of his feelings for me.

So when Rosalie sauntered up to me three days after my conclusion- I wasn't really surprised at what she had to say.

'Tanya,' She said, 'can we talk? It's about… well, you know who.' My heart swelled, and a smile curved up along the side of my face.

'He… well… Tanya, he really likes you- but he's just too gentlemanly to admit it. Haven't you noticed that the entire time during these holidays he's been, well… distant? That's because his burning love for you made him so shy that he couldn't even look at you for fear of having the truth spill out. I know this isn't the most romantic way to tell you, but he REALLY likes you. Maybe even love… but you didn't hear that from me! All I know is that he asked me to give you this.' Rosalie explained, handing me a piece of paper.

'And he said he hopes you'll play this little game with him. I suppose he's just too shy to say it on his own.' She stood up, stretched and walked away. Edward wanted me? He wanted me to play a game with him? And then it fully sunk in, all of what Rosalie had said.

EDWARD LOVED ME!

This was amazing, impossible! I would have thought that I had imagined the whole thing, if not for the note that was now clutched in my hand. I carefully opened it, and saw Edwards's neat cursive fan along the page.

_I have feelings for you, My dearest Tanya. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to love me the way I do you. Come and find me, I have a special treat for you, a special girl! Emmett might know where I am… ~_

YES!

I sprinted across the colony, too fast for human eyes to see. I followed Emmett's scent, twisting and turning, my eyes scanned the horizon for any sign of him. I NEEDED this clue. Edward had to be mine _as soon as possible!_

And then I saw him, sitting high up in one of the tree's that dotted the edge of the colony, humming as if he hadn't a care in the world. For all I knew maybe he didn't have a care- but nevertheless I needed to talk to him.

'Emmett!' I said, sprinting up the path toward him, but slowing down upon realising that I had nothing to say to him. I had no idea why Edward had asked me to find him- and no idea what he was supposed to do for me. Luckily he seemed to know what was happening.

'Oh little sprite, Tanya!' He cried in true Emmett fashion, 'I am glad you have accepted your challenge! It will be a long and difficult path filled with strange and varied challenges. It is not a task I would have given to the bravest of souls and had it been me in your position, I would find the need to cower and hide in despair for the task that is before you will not be an easy one, but a hard and tiresome- OW!' He cried out.

'Alice! Quit spoiling my fun! I'm just- OW! No I mean I- OW! Stop it you little- _OW_!" He cried. As he was talking, a small and pixie like hand had begun to slap him. Hard.

'Fine!' He grumbled, clearly disgruntled. 'He's in your room Tanya. _Go_!' I barley contained my laughter. So much for a "difficult challenge"!

But I had no time to ponder this. I had to get to Edward, he HAD to be mine. I sprinted back the way I had come, barely containing my excitement. I felt as if I wanted to sing, and puke, and squeal and cower and shout for joy all at the same time.

I raced into my room. And then I saw him, sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked like a God, like something that had fallen straight from the heavens. He spoke.

"Close your eyes Tanya," Edwards's velvet voice instructed me. I leaned forward, my mouth curving up expectantly, and I felt my lips meet soft resistance.

All I could think of was Edward, and this kiss. This marvellous, beautiful… _wet_ kiss? WHAT?

I jumped back in shock. No! This couldn't be. It WASN'T happening.

But it was.

In front of me wasn't Edward, but a quickly and carefully placed… BOB BANNER!

"Tanya?" He said to me. "Is everything alright?"

"NO!" I shrieked, "where's EDWARD!"

"Edward?" He said confusedly. "There is no Edward! This was all me! I asked the Cullens for my help, they really are special people. I got Rosalie to tell you how I felt, Emmett to show you where to go, and Edward and Alice helped me write my note to you. Now come here my love, and let us be happy together at last!" He said, shutting his eyes and puckering up.

"ARGH!" I squealed and stumbled away in the opposite direction.

Never again would I set foot in a Nudist Colony. ESPECIALLY not THIS one. I had made a fool of myself, and Edward didn't love me! And so I left, the dust of the Lemon Grove left in my wake…

**Rosalie POV**

It took three hours before any of us could stand fully upright without falling to the floor in laughter.

"Never again" Jasper choked out between hysterics, "Never again will I come back to this Colony!"

"Oh, DEAL!" Said Emmett, holding out his right fist.

Quickly Alice put her's on top, closely followed by myself, Jasper and finally Edward.

And that was when we chucked on our clothes, and walked out of the colony with our head's help high…

All wondering how we were going to explain this to Carlisle and Esme.

**One more chapter to go, and trust me it's worth waiting for! Reviews are appreciated! Remember that the Sexy Back contest is still on, and you still have time to enter!!!!!! **

**Be nice, its my birthday, LEAVE ME A REVIEW AS A PRESENT ! ? Please? ~FWWBH**


	6. Ending's, Beginning's and Poo Colour

**_The contest is still on, results by Sunday Next week. New poll on my profile. :P_**

**_Hope you like the last chapter of the Nudist Colony._**

**FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut-POV (My Point of View)**

If you looked carefully from the right vantage point, six girls could be seen stretched out in the sun on the roof of the building next to the nudist colony with a pair of binoculars in each of their hands. I was one of those girls.

"Oh!" Said the first, a brunette by the name of Maza **(AKA: JaspersSoulMate)**. "That Jazzy is one DAMN fine example of a man"

"Oh no" Said the second, a short brown haired, green eyed girl named Krissy**(AKA: Heart of Diamonds)**. "Edward Cullen just KICKS HIS ASS!!"

"I can't believe that you're all counting Emmett out." I said laughing "I mean have you SEEN his muscles??"

From day one the five of us had been sitting happily on this roof, watching every move that the Cullens had made. One of us, the shortest one who went by the name of Serena, lived in this apartment building. She had come up here for some fresh air one day only to discover that the large privately owned stretch of land that was next to her block of flats was ACTUALLY a nudist colony.

Of course, she had immediately called us over to check out what was happening. And none of us had been able to resist coming up here since! Of course, that made us all sound like perverted freaks- but it was only harmless fun. And we had been coming up here even more than usual when the Cullens and Denali's arrived at this camp of fun. All eight of them were extremely attractive, and not only that but they had been pulling pranks left, right and centre on each other.

I mean, Maza's face when Jasper walked out of his room with blue balls?

Priceless.

So when the oldest blonde, Tanya I think her name was, unexpectedly ran out of the colony sobbing hysterically and it looked as if the rest of the Cullens would follow her- well you could just say that none of us were that happy.

"Their LEAVING!" Karen**(AKA: Kisses of Chocolate)**, a thin chocolate skinned girl cried out. "I can't believe it! Our main source of fun is leaving! We HAVE to do SOMETHING!"

"Mikii," Maza said, "I dare you to-"

'Oh no,' Krissy cried 'don't you remember what happened last time we dared Mikii to do something? She ended up blowing up our science teacher!'. "BLOWN UP" was a bit strong. He had only been in hospital overnight.

'But,' Maza Said 'I still dare you to-'

'No!' Serena cried 'remember the time before that when we dare her to do something? I STILL haven't gotten that stain out of my pants!' Well, how was I SUPPOSED to know that dog poo stained?

'No! I dare you-'

'Holy Carlisle' Karen shrieked 'Do you remember what she did to those poor, poor little kids. They'd be scared for life- especially after what happened to their swing set'"

'Wasn't my fault' I muttered. And it hadn't been, those stupid kids had messed with the wrong person- and I had come out on top.

'I DARE YOU TO STOP THEM FROM LEAVING AND TELL EMMETT OF YOUR TRUE FEELINGS FOR HIM!' Maza screamed before anyone could interrupt her again.

The girls looked at me horrified as a large sly grin crossed my face.

'As good as done!' I squealed, spiriting down the stairs, excited at my new challenge. Now, where could they be?

'Emmett!' I called into the wind, hoping he would be close enough so that he would hear me.

I saw him in the distance and sprinted to catch up. 'EMMETT!'

I saw him turn, confused. 'Can I help you?' He asked me politely.

I grinned evilly and threw myself on top of him. 'I LOVE YOU EMMY-POO!!!!!' I squealed at him.

'Oh! Oh! And what do you get when you combine all the colours of a rainbow in one??" I asked the stunned man in front of me, before howling the answer back at him.

'You get POO COLOUR!'

'JASPER!' Maza shrieked, shooting past me like a lightning bolt. 'OMC! You're so sexy it's AMAZING! You should leave Alice and come and live with ME!!! Oh, no offence Alice, I totally love you! Maybe we could go shopping sometime?'

The rest of our little gang and the remaining Cullen's looked shocked to say the least. Their mouths were hanging open and their eyes looked rather much larger than usual. That was before Krissy broke the silence.

'Aww what the heck! Yay for Edward!!!' She said, jumping on him and hugging him so tightly that he couldn't have breathed if he had needed to.

'That's IT!' Screamed Rosalie. 'Getoffa him kid. And scram! We gotta go' her eyes glared at us, black as night, and it would be pointless to say that we weren't a little scared. So we smiled shyly and said our goodbye's and walked slowly back to our apartment buildings.

Even so, we still managed to hear Emmett's parting words to us.

'I think I liked that kid.' _SMACK_

'Ow Rosie! What the heck was that for?' _SMACK_

_'OW!'_

**Bella POV**

Oh. My. God.

I was looking around the living room, gaping like a fish.

Edward ... naked... out of control?-

Alice didn't-

Emmett said-

Rosalie smacked-

Jasper blue balls-

_WHAT?!_

A Nudist Colony. They went to a nudist colony?

And the pranks, oh the PRANKS! Jasper had blue balls? Rosalie had ass smackage? Alice thought she'd been cheated on? Emmett and Edward got hit on by men? I mean, MEN? That's never a problem I thought I'd have with Edward… or Emmett for that matter.

_Note to self: Don't cross the Cullens._

This was one seriously disconcerting story, almost worse than Emmett in a g-string. But at the same time as freaking me out… it was also absolutely HILARIOUS!

And Tanya, poor Tanya! Even though I hadn't much patience for the blonde vampire, I could sympathise. Imagine how it would feel to go on a blind date expecting Edward Cullen… and end up getting Mike Newton instead!

Overall, the story was an interesting one. Maybe worthy of writing a book about! I'm sure it would be a best seller. I can just imagine title now: **The Nudist Colony! By Isabella Marie Swan Cullen. **_(A/N or By FWWBH!)_

Who wouldn't want to read about Edward naked? Well, except maybe me, seeing as I have the real thing!

But a NUDIST COLONY?

We are SERIOUSLY going to have to try that again sometime. Jeez!

**Esme POV**

I was sitting in Carlisle's and my bedroom, thinking about going on another summer holiday. So far I had found... NADA! Zilch! Zero!

It was so frustrating. We had practically visited every single place on the Earth. I wanted something spontaneous, something exciting!

Hmmm... Spontaneity? Excitement? _Pranks_?

I knew just the place!

And this time Bella could come too!!

**THE END**

**_Haha! Hoped you liked the ending! Dont fret, I have a new fourth story that should be coming out SOON (There's a summary on my profile)! And I even have a sort of fifth parody idea on the side... You can put me on authour alert, or just keep checking my profile to see when they come out._**

**_Thanks to all those who have stuck with this story. Review for the Last time, PLEASE? This is all I'll ever ask of you!!!!!_**

**_Hope you liked the Nudist Colony. Love (For the last time) ~FWWBH_**


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